For over a week I’ve been trying to form the words to simply announce news that gets stuck in my mind and heart whirling around, fighting, dancing, as if to mock my typical facileness with articulacy and my “fetish” for information sharing. It started with me thinking.., I should tell them, all my loved ones, the ones that even if they don’t know me, they know this part of me, to, oh, and the ones who do know me, and maybe even know more….they all will want to know and I must be the one to tell them. Why? Because knowledge is power, not just the “I’m the Queen” kind, but the kind that helps you make decisions around asking triggering questions either privately or publicly, the kind of power that can help you educate yourself ahead of time should a similar situation arise in your world, the kind of power that can cause you to make hard decisions. Whatever that power does to or for you, it’s your right to have it and my duty to share it.
Last week, Samson, my dear beloved Prince, the “love of my life”, My Little Man, my protector, and my heart passed gently in my arms and into another world. We created a beautiful altar with all his favorite things and pictures of loved ones, human and canine, here and gone, (primarily images pre camera phones 2005) laid upon it. I had deep, diverse, and loving support from a few dear ones and we talked and cried long into the night.
At first it was as if I were in a dream. I knew it had happened, but didn’t want to believe it, yet oddly enough, I was terrified to go outside. Anyone could see me without him and ask. It was too obvious, him not being at my side. Then I agreed to go out slowly, only where it was not expected to have my beloved Samson in tow, in fact, only where he was not known. I started making it out, telling dear friends slowly, baby steps. Trying not to make the “big” announcement, to save myself the torrent of condolences that would only validate the truth of his passing. In other words, I have been in mourning and grieving and trying to let you all know my reality. And so, in the course of my baby steps, the announcement is made.
Perhaps there’s something in it you can empathize with. Whether it be pet, parent, or loved one of any sort, the loss is immeasurable. I’ve lost both parents, two siblings, two best friends, several dear ones, and Samson is my first animal companion. The devastation still strikes me. So, as a coach, teacher, one who embraces and encourages change, I can honestly say that is where my meditation today, in those lessons that will surely pour forth, (as some have already started), the more the grieving wanes, an energy will always push ahead a bit more, and loving energy is the one I wrap my arms around and weep into every day. And it will continue to be so for some time. May all of you and all of your loved ones and even those who feel they do not deserve love, feel the depth of the love from within.
sending out that love to you now,
ps: sometimes I just cannot be funny, isn’t that hilarious?
pps: the title of this piece is stolen directly from Written on the Body, by Jeanette Winterson