What Does a Dominatrix Look Like?

A lot of people are talking about the Netflix show about a young Dominatrix. So far, I’d say it’s the equivalent of a waitress putting herself through school being called a professional restaurateur. She’s no pro, perhaps she will become one. We’ll see. In the meantime, here’s a little revision on a piece I wrote back in 2010 on the beauty and diversity of the Dominatrix.

 

Bear in mind, most Dominatrices use the pronoun “she” no matter the gender identity and some of use have been using Masculine pronouns in scenes for years…more on that later.

 

“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” 

Guillaume Apollinaire

One of my Sisyphean challenges in life is to demystify the myth of the Dominatrix – to fill out the missing gaps and one-dimensional characteristics that permeate our culture. The unique histories of Dominatrices inform their brave work and pioneering spirit. If you could look closely, (where are the stats anyway?), you would see an illustrious array of talent, skills, philosophies, and courage.

 

Like many other professionals I know, I too, have a unique history. Raised urban poor, in my family I went on to obtain the first High School degree, and eventually a Master’s degree. Literary and theatrical studies combined with extensive pedagogical experience continue to inform my work as a BDSM lecturer, educator, and writer. Years before I would begin to fully understand my own leanings towards Female Domination and BDSM practices, I wrote my graduate thesis on “Subversive Practices in Feminist Performance Art”. Further, like many of my colleagues, I may not fit the stereotype of the Hollywood-produced leather cat suit clad man-eating vixen, but I have practiced the art of Domination with intention and commitment for many years.

 

The media stereotype of the Dominatrix is rather one-dimensional. The infiltration of SM culture into mainstream society leans primarily towards the fetishistic and aesthetic aspects of BDSM culture, avoiding any deeper underlying issues to the person and her work. In “real” life, Dominatrices are generally stunning; though not always mainstream beauties. We often stand out in a crowd because we tend to be individualistic, living life to the fullest and more often than not standing out as a leader – the one to take control in any number of ways. 

 

I’d love to see more research done that would illuminate the complexity of a profession that has been misrepresented and misunderstood by sociaty. Like within most professions, a spectrum of representation exists, eg, not all lawyers are bad and not all police officers are good. The Dominatrix also has many layers to her persona, and I have been pondering the many variations exist for some time. 

 

Here is a partial list of some of the different types of Dominatrices, with basic names that I came up with off the top of my head, many of which can overlap with each other, and others that never mix.
 
The Domestic Disciplinarian: Could be your Aunty or Woman next door, until she puts you over her knee.
The Medical Specialist: Plays Doctor or Nurse to perfection.
The Rubber Mistress: Has all the rubber clothes and gear you could possible imagine.
The Goddess: Demands worship.
The Fetishist: Fetish is her motivator.
The Bondage Mistress/Top: Loves rope and knows how to use it.
The Whip Mistress: Whip wielding from single tail to cat o’ nine.
The Predator: Hunts you down and take you down.
The Philosopher: Keeps you in line with her words and ethics.
The Classic: Domestic Disciplinarian, Whip Wielder, Bondage Expert and more! The General Practitioner, (also with specialties) of Dominatrices.
The Good Girl Gone Bad: Looks angelic or like the girl next door.
The Seductress: Casts her spell to entice you.
The Counselor/Guide: Takes you where you need to go. 
The Emasculator: Wants your balls, you don’t need them.

 

Of course, this list is not exhaustive and as I began noting all the variations I realized that not only are there so many types, but that many of us embody any number of Strong Female Authoritarian Archetypes within our Dominatrix Personas which we invoke when appropriate to the scene: Queen, Priestess, Warrior, and Mother to name a few. Just because a Dominatrix self-presents in one archetypal role does not mean she cannot employ another type when necessary however, the Bondage Mistress can care for her bound subject in a very Maternal or Motherly way and once the Predator has captured her prey, she can employ the Goddess to finalize her objectives. Conversely, it would be quite useless for the Whip Mistress to whip the Domestic Discipline client as a Medical Specialist while wearing a black rubber cat suit. Not only do the genres not go together, but the Domestic Discipline aficionado’s needs will not be met and no catharsis would ensue leaving the session flat and ineffectual. 

 

I have often said that Dominatrices are Psychic Waste Managers, encouraging people to excavate parts of themselves that society deeply discourages: the primal sexual selves. If the libido is not allowed to emerge in a positive creative way, it can be destructive. I also say that the sacred and lascivious are flip sides of the same coin. Knowing who you are as a Dominatrix and how to go about employing different aspects of your self in the work helps achieve therapeutic results with your clientele. There is an old adage to the profession, we may not be therapists, but the work is therapeutic. Knowing oneself in Domination is particularly crucial because of the nature of psycho-sexual work. Libidinal drives inform our every movement, hence the work itself elicits the question of what drives us sexually. Personally, although I love whipping, I do not consider myself a whip Mistress. When I see my esteemed Whip Mistress colleagues doing the dance of fire and precision, I am truly humbled by their abilities. Would I desire to be them? Yes, but honestly, I must honor my primary arousal in order to be a better Dominant. I suppose I am an Archeologist of BDSM. I love exploring and excavating psycho-sexual terrain, and the whips and other accoutrements are simply tools that help me unearth buried artifacts.

 

In examining difference, we must also examine similarity. We Dominatrices all have sadistic streaks, or at the very least enjoy giving pleasure – and if a masochist seeks pain for their pleasure, we are happy to accommodate. We also, ideally, have hard skills in Domination, be they rope rigging, electro-play, or whip wielding.  Often motivated by deep fetishistic desires, we all care about our clientele in a professional fashion. Dominatrices have many similarities but perhaps only one commonality: whatever the archetype or role that we play, we need to push our subjects and ourselves a little deeper into the dark so that we all may extend our psychosexual travels a little further, returning each time with a bit more knowledge and a lot more savvy. 
 
For more information about how to become a Dominatrix or Bondassage Practitoner, email me

Five Sexy Kinky Gift Ideas!

Who doesn’t love a sexy gift? Whatever the reason, be it holiday, birthday, or just because, sexy gifts can bring laughter, joy, pleasure, intimacy, knowledge and power. And what’s more sexy than power? Ideas!

People often ask me what my favorite sexy gifts are,-  and I have many many options at my disposal. As I was pulling together my kinky gift list for a friend this year, I realized it has become much more comprehensive over time From a range of prices to areas of interest, (within sexy), there are lost of options. Keep this list handy, feel free to share. I trust you’ll find the appropriate gift for your loved one(s).

Oh, and by the way, some of these links will pay me back, so you’ll be gifting me as well!

1. Gift Books and Games

Sex Cards

It is possible to talk about sex the way foodies talk about food, with great detail and delight? Anyone can learn to be more comfortable on this terrain, it just takes practice. Part of the mission for these cards is to provide a fun way to talk about sex, not only between lovers, but between friends and groups of friends too. We are sexual beings all the time, whether or not we have a partner(s) at any given time. Have fun and be curious!

https://www.sexquestioncards.com/?fbclid=IwAR23gz1H9DncBK6CueDDwjBoLWFAjdpAFcgD6ocrRPtIz-hd-z9-B6-vr0s

 

Bondassage Book

Jaeleen Bennis created this sexy sequence for lovers and I helped her write the book. In it you’ll learn basic massage and bondage techniques, with tons of information on sensory play. There are lots of practice exercises also!

2. Gift Toys

Injoyus

My favorite strap-on “less” toy. So comfy! You attach one of the insertables in you and the more dildo shaped piece acts for the receiver’s pleasure. In a word, once in place, the wearer/giver can squat, walk, lie, even dance and the Injoyus will not fall out. Honestly, having mutual sexual pleasure with your partner from the inside out is quite like nothing else available to us on earth, only fantasies! https://newlovecreations.com/

I love mine so much I’ve named her Francis. Yep, our relationship is that special, and if you would like to own one go HERE and be sure to put in EVE1 for 10% off.  It’s 100 per cent fully refundable too. Here’s to a world where the Injoyus becomes a widely used pleasure device within the expansive world of sex and exploration!

For a more in depth review, go here…

 

If you want to create a combo pleasure gift of two pieces, here are two of my favorites:

The Betty Dodson Vaginal Barbell combined with the Hitachi Magic Wand https://www.goodvibes.com/s/sex-toys/p/GV13516/magic-wand/magic-wand-rechargeable are the BEST!

Although the barbell says “vaginal”, it actually works amazingly well on the prostate and anally for women also. Easy to clean, sterilizable, lasts for life, it’s worth every cent and then some too.
Pair it with the Hitachi Magic Wand for buzz, buzz and you’re set for life for around $200!

OR if you are maybe a bit more greedy, my absolute favorite girthy and lengthy toy is the

Eleven  made by N’Joy Toys

Eleven inches long and weighing over just over 2lbs….you’ll feel it and it doubles as a workout toy!

https://www.goodvibes.com/s/sex-toys/p/1-3-BF-0801/njoy/eleven-stainless-steel-dildo-?lref=Srch|njoy%2Beleven|a|1|c|0|-relevance|search_page|0

My other favorite insertable The Ass Hammer is just as versatile as the Eleven, but oh, so much lighter in weight. Once in, it stays in beautifully!

https://www.mr-s-leather.com/ass-hammer-large-stainless-steel/?acc=eveminax

3. Choose Your Own Gift! Perhaps my suggestions are not quite what you’re looking for? Then go to one of these sites for your pleasure…gift cards available also:)

toys, toys, and lingerie!

Good Vibrations  http://www.goodvibes.com/main.jhtml?kbid=214489

Gears, Toys, Latex, more…

Stockroom http://www.stockroom.com/home.aspx?ref=1885813

Gears, Toys, Furniture, more…

Mr S https://www.mr-s-leather.com/?acc=eveminax

 

4. Porn Gifts

Maybe a little streaming time for you and/or your partner?

I’ve been making my own videos for years, Mistress Minax FemDomme porn delights!

http://www.clips4sale.com/studio/15436

Or you may not know I did a great series with Pink and White Productions?

http://www.pinklabel.tv/on-demand/studio/point-of-contact-minax/?affiliate=2452008

Perhaps rubber and crossdressing works for you? Works for me! I love the shoots I’ve done with Alice In Bondageland.  You will too!

http://www.aliceinbondageland.com/?ref=2461044

5. Educational Gifts

Streaming:

Education you say? Learn from Me and Many Many Others anytime anywhere!

Kink Academy

http://refer.ccbill.com/cgi-bin/clicks.cgi?CA=942299-0000&PA=2460509&HTML=http://www.kinkacademy.com/

Study with Me Live in the Flesh!

One on one for Dominatrix Training

http://www.eveminax.com/dominatrix-training/

Bondassage Training

http://www.eveminax.com/bondassage-training/ Training

Group Study

Want to Become a More Confident Skillful Dominant? Or Maybe You and/or Your Partner Want More Depth to Their Dominance? Erotic Dominance Intensive with Me and Cléo Dubois, sixteen years and counting. Next one in February but selling out. Enroll now!

  http://www.sm-arts.com

Whatever your propensities, any of the above are sure to please. I hope these options have opened your mind and piqued your  curiosity!

 

Want To Learn To Be A Dominatrix?

I love teaching, especially the up and coming Dominatrix. Whether you come from such fields of sex works as Full Body Sensual Massage, Bondage Modeling, Exotic Dancing/Stripping, Escort, GFE, you get the value of the work.

Do you need to deepen and expand your skills, (energy, corporal, client relations, etc), gain more camaraderie, (peers and like minded colleagues from all over the world), & develop better business practices (legalities, business licensing, marketing) etc?

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bdsm and its healing powers

Healing Through BDSM

How does BDSM facilitate personal growth?

bdsm and its healing powersIf you’ve been following my writing over the years, you may have learned that I live with transgenerational trauma which led me to experience BDSM as instrumental to my healing process. Although technically I was kinky from the beginning of my sexual explorations, it was only when I read about a Dominatrix in a New Yorker piece back in 1991, that I had an Ahah! moment. I said to myself, “I could do that. I would be great, and I would love it”. Honestly though, I didn’t realize exactly what I was drawn to around kink and BDSM. Initially I also had internalized shame and confusion around being a deviant, pervert, outsider, (choose your term), and I eventually came to realize what drew me in and kept me coming back: healing through BDSM.

No matter your background or what drives you to explore the vast realms of BDSM, you can still benefit from possibilities. I’d like to share with you a few ways in which BDSM has facilitated the healing process for me.

Transparency Any practice can claim to encourage transparency, or the act of being fully clear and honest in our speech, and actions which leads to deeper trust. Abuse survivors find it, (really), hard to trust. When we know that our partners are fully disclosing any truths that may be harmful to the relationship, we can relax into creating healthy attachment and long term relationships.

Boundaries/Safe words As part of the act of being transparent, agreements/boundaries are drawn and respected. Safe words are used when boundaries, (often unforeseen), arise, allowing for play to shift to a more manageable space, perhaps even stopping to allow for space and compassion. When boundaries are respected, once again, trust can be built, rebuilt, and loving healthy relationships can foster and grow. 

Consent Part of the healing process for all of us, is to radically accept who we are, what turns us on, what brings us pleasure, even if society may deem it abnormal. Part of consent is to validate these desires and give permission to each other to do certain things or act certain ways. If you want me to whip you until you cry and I consent, and then I want you to crawl to me on all fours and beg for it and you consent, we have a mutually consensual agreement that can help empower us to feel more authentic – or in psychological speak, to become more self actualized.

The Practice Much like yoga, or meditation, or whatever healing art you may practice, half of the work is showing up, the other is the journey of the practice. Creating scenes with our partner, and exercising all of the above practices, will help us know ourselves better, which will expose how fallible we can be, and ideally bring us back to compassion and integrity. What’s more healing than that?

Surrender Whether you are a top, bottom, switch, Dominant, or submissive, there will always be a process of letting go, surrendering to the moment, (which is why bondage is so imperative! Watch for a forthcoming piece on that). If I decide to suspend you, but your body is too tense in that moment, I may need to surrender my idea of suspending you just then, and explore alternatives to get you there. And you, as bottom, will need to let go of that suspension in that moment and surrender to my lead. It’s a dance of control and surrender.

Energetically, we all are giving, receiving, and validating. Although BDSM is a fulfilling form of adult play and can be quite simply put, amusing as hell, it can also be extremely liberating and healing in the process. Enjoy your new found freedom!

Are you ready to experience your own pleasure and personal growth through BDSM? Click here for possibilities

Peg Your Heart Out and Feel it Too!

Walking into the lobby of Catalystcon West 2014, I wondered what my purpose was being there. Sure, I had a panel wherein we would discuss the complications around private vs public in the sex lives of industry people, but surely there was more. Within a half an hour of being in the lobby, I was introduced to the Injoyus, an incredible harnessless pegging device. As a 20 plus year player of strap on, pegging, harness and dildo play, I had never found an “ultimate solution”.
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Mistress Eve

Some Thoughts on Dominance and Submission

As a devoted Dominatrix, I think about and practice Dominant/submissive relationships. The conflux of dominance and submission is ambiguous at best: how about control and surrender? Indeed, all relationships involve power exchange, usually implicit or ignored.  D/s relationships represent power exchange with a twist: explicitness. They are intentional in that they acknowledge the intrinsic elements of power dynamics of an established rapport with another.They are service driven. They develop further exploration of said dynamics usually in the form of ritual. Some “D/s” relationships have been “forced” on us through the years, eg…parents, bosses, etc…and some, we actively seek out and/or at some point in our lives wish to analyze and develop. The main reasons I am drawn to D/s as a Dominant is that I am service driven, curious how power dynamics in relationships work, and hold a great desire to see them perform more harmoniously.

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How Have Sexual Fetishes Changed Over Time?

I was recently asked this question and here’s the synopsis of my take…happy to have your input!

First of all, it is important to establish what one means by “fetish”. Originally, 17c, a fetish/fetiche was an amulet or charm that bore the wearer some form of luck, or at least warded off evil spirits. At the turn of the 20th c and the advent of psychology, notably Freud, fetish, as sexual fetish, became known as an object required to create sexual gratification, ie, shoe, boot, fur, etc. Around the same time, Sado-Masochism also evolved as a term (based on the writings of the Marquis de Sade and Sacher Von Masoch), defined as sexual gratification through corporal punishment (flogging, spanking, etc) or erotic humiliation, (embarrassment, objectification, degradation). As of late, say the past 15 to 20 years, the term fetish is most often used as a “turn on”. Such as, “I have a spanking fetish”, or “I have a rubber fetish”. The current speaker rarely requires the object or activity to achieve orgasm, but does find it more pleasurable with said piece.
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Mistress Eve

Sexual Knowledge is Sexual Power

Hello Dear and Lovely Erotic Explorers,

Happy International Women’s Day!

As you may know we are living in some pretty surreal times and that personal power is constantly being redistributed. Sometimes we actually feel quite powerless and vulnerable, but the more we learn, the more we self empower. The act of self empowerment can wash over into many areas of our lives to bring us the confidence and strength to thrive!

On that note, I’d like to share a note from my dear friend and colleague, Cléo Dubois: Read more

bdsm advice and sexuality education

Agree to Disagree: Forgiveness is Easy, Walking Away is Hard

Ever felt like you were beating your head against a wall in a romantic or even kink based relationship? Why do you try so hard when all the other person does is shrug everything off? Perhaps it even seems as if they LIKE being yelled at? They often respond to anger more readily than discussion.

New research wants to tell us about “agreeableness” in partners.  If you are agreeable you forgive readily, at least more readily than the non agreeable or unforgiving types. As a person who often responds angrily to transgressions, but always eventually forgives, I find this article both intriguing and frustrating. My habit is, if forgiveness feels good,  do it until it doesn’t feel good or “right” – or until you recognize it just won’t matter. This is all assuming that the you and your partner are discussing said behavioral aspects and feelings around them as you go along. Once it no longer feels good, Stop. I mean it. Stop.
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San Francisco Dominatrix

No Pain, No Gain? Understanding Erotic and Non-Erotic Pain

Today I went to see my Physical Therapist for a Rotator Cuff injury rehab session. After we spent some time getting acquainted and starting the exercises, he asked me “what are your thoughts on pain?” and well, you know me, I just had to respond with, “oh, I have LOTS of thoughts on pain! First I think there’s a strong mind body connection and that pain can teach us lot about how we accept extreme sensation. I think that certain types of extreme sensation, aka pain, [notice how I started schooling the PT on my lingo?], can announce danger but also teach us how to relax around the sensation to accept the circumstance. I personally notice that as a strong self sufficient woman who starting working at the age of 14 and does not have a well resourced family or partner to fall back on, I start to feel urgency and impatience around healing as I psychologically fear I will never be able to work again, make money, or take care of myself. It’s brutal and self defeating, and yet it’s part of the process of “sitting with the pain”. I have so much more to say, oh wait, I’m sorry, is that too much?” He paused for a moment, concentrating on stretching my wrist, and then looked at me and smiled saying, “um, most people just say how they don’t like pain. Clearly you’ve thought about this”.   Read more