This piece was written a couple of years ago, and I have had the fortune to continue this work. So grateful. May it bring you a piece of hope and enlightenment.
Fairy Tales Can Come True!
Imagine you have a secret, a secret of a sexual nature….it might not be a “big” secret. Perhaps you share it with a few close friends, maybe you’ve even facebooked or tweeted about it, or simply alluded to it in your posts. Maybe you have only shared it with your partner, who, quite frankly doesn’t want to hear about it any more, if they ever did. Maybe you keep the secret to yourself, but you fantasize about it and any chance you get you look for it, on the web, or live.
What might that secret be?
What might it look like?
Maybe you’re a cis gender male, meaning, you were born with male chromosomes, and you identify as a male. However, you also really love stockings and high heels. They make you feel sexy. Sometimes you even visualize yourself as a woman being penetrated while you masturbate.
Maybe you’re a cis gendered woman who fantasizes about being bound, gagged, and whipped into sexual submission.
Perhaps gender is not part of the equation at all. You have needs. You just really see yourself in a consensual, loving, supportive power exchange relationship with another person as your dominant under their direction and care. Or vice versa, you fantasize about being directive and taking control lovingly.
In reality, you are a human being, with sexual urges and desires that oftentimes get frustrated, ignored or ridiculed.
What are you going to do?
Who are you going to discuss your desires with and how will you go about doing it?
These are the kinds of queries I address as a “Dominatrix” or professional dominant, Sexuality Educator, and as a lifestyle kinkster.
My repertoire is vast. I work with individuals, couples, and groups, teaching workshops and at conferences, (yes Virginia, there are many BDSM/kink conferences!). I’ve spoken at Universities and Medical Clinics. I talk to people about Kink and BDSM and see where their sexuality lies in a larger holistic sense. I access their deepest secrets and desires and I encourage them to find ways of releasing some of that desire, of accessing their fantasies, albeit, sometimes merely through discussion. I help support validation of their sexual “deviance”. Sometimes the work is very hands on, sometimes it is simply counseling, and more often, it is a bit of both.
I’ve been fortunate enough to have been working consistently in this field for 15 years as my sole source of income. Although I have not made millions, I have a sense of duty and commitment to the work. I often say if I took everyone who came to me, I would have burnt out. That is why I need to help disseminate information and education around positive sexual experiences and relationships.
Sometimes it comes in a moment after a class, when someone comes up to me and says, “this is the best class I’ve ever been to on BDSM since I’ve been coming out. Thank you so much for the work you do”.
Sometimes it comes in a moment when I am with a client who says that they’ve never had anyone reach them so deeply.
Mostly it comes in the long-term successes I see as we all mature together.
Let me tell you about a former client, now dear friend of mine, Joe.
Joe came to me about 14 years ago as an overworked guy who ran his own tech business and was in constant stress mode. His marriage was “good” but his wife who was initially kinky in their sex life had become quite uninterested in sex, kinky or not – unfortunately, like many people I’ve spoken to over the years. So, he came to me for what we call Tie and Tease.
After our first meeting it was clear that Joe was missing a major part of his life – to be able to explore his sexuality without judgment in a safe environment.
When we would meet, he would turn off his cell phone and start to relax. He would be engulfed in an hour or more of bliss, not worried about anything at all, allowed to relish his fantasy world. I would restrain him with rope or leather cuffs and arouse him sexually through sensory play, seduction, and light cross-dressing. He was able to ask questions and explore different sensations and feelings. We would discuss the results and how he might incorporate some of his desires into his home life. He would depart much lighter and happier than when he arrived.
Joe also watched more porn than he wanted to. Well, more than his wife wanted him to. Joe would’ve been happier to have the activity with his partner, but that wasn’t going to happen. I continued to work with him over the years, discussing his relationship with his wife, and the possibilities around bringing her in to discuss and explore, always encouraging the long term relationship.
Then, in 2008, I moved from Chicago to San Francisco. Joe saw me out here a few times. He started doing some tech work for me, becoming my “webslave” long distance. Between his wife and he growing further apart and me not being there to help balance things, he was a mess. A nasty divorce ensued and Joe was understandably heartbroken. But you know what? He continued to do the work. He continued to seek out his desires and to learn all he could from me and other educators and practitioners.
Joe eventually met and fell in love with a former student of mine and a practicing dominant. It has been about 3 years since they have been living together and they own two large and beautiful kink establishments in their relationship based on honesty, trust, and active sex! Joe always says if it weren’t for me, he would not have found happiness in this lifetime. He is eternally grateful. I am not sure how accurate that is, or how much credit I need to take around it, but I do know this, without information and validation around sex, people in general are bound to be less happy. At 52 and for the first time in his life he is very comfortable in who he is and his sexuality.
Like Thoreau says, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.” Repressed sexuality is not simply for men, it is part of everyone’s life. I look forward to the day when we no longer live with such desperation, rather, more fulfilling lives in intimacy and trust.
Let’s make fairy tales come true!