A Modest Complaint
Recently, after placing an ad for a service-oriented submissive on Collarme.com (supposedly the enclave for said people), I received a response from a ‘submissive’ who was offended that I should desire a submissive who actually serves. We went back and forth a few times before he abruptly “wished me luck” or basically told me to fuck off. His overall point seemed to be that he was a pet who liked to serve certain people, not all—to which I agreed, (my slave ritz is of that genre, and even my boy madsen is to a degree). However, I had made it clear in my ad that some type of erotic or other pleasure in service suited me well these days. His argumentative style, being offended by my clarity, and then dismissing me abruptly left me wondering what the hell is going on on the West Coast? Honestly, I have been through more people out here in the past 8 months than I have been through in the past 8 years of my life.
2009 has been an utterly illuminating year. With regard to people, service, trust, and manners, I have been blindsided on several occasions, including but not limited to being stolen from, having the submissive be offended that I am being directive, not doing the job that they said they would, and not even showing up. In fact, having people simply disappear has been the most prolific problem. I see now that compared to the West Coast (or is it simply San Francisco?), I was incredibly spoiled in Chicago. My stable was stable and eager to please. Although I never tried to take advantage, I certainly had whatever I wanted with almost as little as a snap of my fingers. I felt loved, honored, protected. Yes, there were a few flakes and “tourists” here and there, but being hit with so many in one year has left me reeling. So why move to San Francisco you ask?
Several factors apply, making it easiest for me to say, quality of life: educational work that has expanded in much more creative ways, development of working relationships with some of the finest people in the business, and the general health and happiness that comes from living in a great climate with great food and a health-oriented perspective. I am very excited about some fun, interesting and profoundly moving classes I will be presenting in 2010 (Pediatrician Play, Milking and Ruined Orgasms, Mommy Domme Play, and more). I am also pleased to announce that the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM-Arts will be offering a couples course in 2010 for the first time. Oh, and my sexcipe cookbook is underway, and I may even try out for a Master Chef cooking show (wish me luck on that!). Ah, but what was abundant in Chicago has been sorely lacking here: a trustworthy, giving, loving submissive who is able to receive my attention. I know that one of those is not easily found.
Part of my “illumination” in 2009 was quite simple. Why waste my time on people who are amateurishly disorganized and confused at best and absolutely disingenuous and psycho at worst? In other words, why not find an applicable experienced person to serve me? Hence the Collarme ad. I began my search quite professionally, requesting a curriculum vitae, references, and a completed questionnaire I created. I also perused the site for potentials—like a submissive headhunter. When I found the perfect-sounding profile, I discovered, lo and behold, that it was someone I’ve known for 7 years and who is a bastion of old world submission—or let’s just say someone who really values service and provides it.
Things are starting to look up for 2010. I am beginning to feel fortunate again, and I’m remembering not to take for granted the beauty and power of submission. I know it is not a one step process. It comes with time and involves communication, care, and compassion from both/all parties. Like any relationship, one should not dive into it blindly or try to predict how it’s all going to play out in the first two weeks of working on it. It’s just not that simple or easy. And it makes me wonder to what extent differences between my experiences in the Midwest and here are due to geographic phenomena. My new submissive is originally from the East Coast.
I do not wish to split hairs, but it seems like my definition of submission varies greatly from the Bay Area norm. It would appear that submissives here are either only willing to serve if their kinks are being fully tended to (what I would call more of a barter system) or only when they “feel like it” (I have actually been told this twice already, “I don’t feel submissive today.”). Some have been so intent on perfection that they will argue on what is the best way to “serve.” Beat me, fuck me, and maybe I’ll do your dishes? Beat me and fuck me and maybe I’ll do your dishes if I feel like it? Beat me and fuck me and let me tell you how? Or nothing at all except an expectation that I should drop everything to hang out with a person who has not even served me properly yet? In any case, none of these approaches is about making my life easier, a fundamental component of servitude. Once my life is easier, everyone’s life, including the submissive’s, will be more pleasant.
This is not to say that D/s is not an exchange, it is. The primary proponent is the Dominant, which is why s/he must be respected and treated with honesty and integrity. I am not a “My way or the highway” person, and I have sometimes allowed debate—even when the person is being an ass—in order to hear them out. In the Collarme case, there was no need for debate. I should be permitted not only to state my desire but also to implement my preferences. Why? Because I am also a service-oriented Dominant; therefore, I know. I know that I do not wish to simply take, but I will only give incrementally to whomever fits my bill. I will not settle for less. As 2009 comes to a close, I reflect on these relationships and my contributions to them as well. Perhaps as I live here longer, I will develop more West Coast savvy.
In the end, I am a romantic who believes that D/s relationships can work and am excited about the prospects of my “new found” old friend submissive. Let me try my West Coast speak on you now, if the universe provides when she’s ready, then I shall try to be patient. In the meantime, I will also make myself heard.