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Can BDSM Help a Relationship?

Can BDSM help a relationship? I’d like to think so. Whether the relationship is new and you’re exploring or it’s mature and you are searching for new ways of connecting, there is a HUGE spectrum of choice for everyone. If you’re like me, variety is the spice of life. I liken it to soup- some people have a consommé daily, some people mix it up a bit with clam chowder Fridays, or some people have a different soup each day. It’s all up to you, and your partner(s) of course!

In a word, BDSM can help you know yourself better and if you know yourself well, you’ll be a better partner; and with better partnering comes great joy. I’ve been writing and teaching about kink, BDSM, healing, personal growth, and relationships for twenty some years. Fact? The reason I am still so passionate about this work is because I am a sucker for personal growth and development. There are an infinite number of reasons why and how BDSM can help you and your relationship. Listen to this interview or ask me directly. I’m here to help.

Here’s a wonderful interview with Shameless Sex Podcast. I hope you find it useful and as always, I value your thoughts and questions!

I’m Here For You

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How Have Sexual Fetishes Changed Over Time?

I was recently asked this question and here’s the synopsis of my take…happy to have your input!

First of all, it is important to establish what one means by “fetish”. Originally, 17c, a fetish/fetiche was an amulet or charm that bore the wearer some form of luck, or at least warded off evil spirits. At the turn of the 20th c and the advent of psychology, notably Freud, fetish, as sexual fetish, became known as an object required to create sexual gratification, ie, shoe, boot, fur, etc. Around the same time, Sado-Masochism also evolved as a term (based on the writings of the Marquis de Sade and Sacher Von Masoch), defined as sexual gratification through corporal punishment (flogging, spanking, etc) or erotic humiliation, (embarrassment, objectification, degradation). As of late, say the past 15 to 20 years, the term fetish is most often used as a “turn on”. Such as, “I have a spanking fetish”, or “I have a rubber fetish”. The current speaker rarely requires the object or activity to achieve orgasm, but does find it more pleasurable with said piece.
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Searching For Love: Three Ways to Find a Kinky Partner

Several years ago, I was dining with an acquaintance who was a therapist. Chatting casually with mutual interest, midway through the meal she puts down her fork and looks at me from across the table and asks “do you think if we lived in another world, your work would not exist”? Now, assuming she meant a world of sexual happiness and fulfillment, I looked her square in the eye and responded, “no, but neither would yours”. This is not to say that sex educators and dominatrices are therapists, (although we offer therapeutic work), but that we do NOT live in a society without neurosis, hence relationship problems and general societal malaise. That’s why there are service providers who can assist our relationship needs in every sense of the word.

I’ve always said that people in kinky or  BDSM relationships are not really different from “vanilla” or “mainstream” folk in that they still must find ways of communicating to their partners their wants, needs, and desires. In a word, they have to have strong relationship skills. Of course, it could, and has been argued, that people who practice BDSM tend to have healthier relationships, and I would suggest it is because they tend to be more honest and transparent with their partners, which alleviates a lot of guilt, shame, and general bullshit that muddles connection. 

Half the battle in finding a partner who you can communicate with easily though may take some leg work. Through eliminating the possibility of guilt or shame around your desires by being with someone who is already on the same page as you, or at the very least open minded and interested in kink, you create more space for parity in relationship. Assuming you are “out” about your proclivities and hope to find a partner, how do you go about doing it? 

Here are a few ways you can go about finding a kinky partner in life and love:

Dating Sites. There are now many sites that exist solely to help you find your mate! How to choose? One great site that carries a wealth of information and also has many forums for discussions and meetings around kink is Fetlife . Like Facebook, you set up a profile etc. unlike facebook, you can remain completely private while doing so. Sweet! There are also sites out there specifically geared towards dating where you can choose the type of person, education level, location, kink interests and in most cases, even the physique. Finding a Dominant Woman, for example, you might go here. Or looking for a D/s specific relationship? Try Collarspace. Of course there seems to be something for everyone out there. Look what popped up when I simply googled “Foot Fetish Dating”. Dating is not easy – even in the so called normal world. Let some of these sites do half the work for you!

Munches and Meet Ups. Hey, what about walking away from your computer and meeting people live and in person? On the fetlife.com website listed above you can not only find discussion groups but also find a plethora of groups/munches meetings where people interested in kink/bdsm have a nosh in a public and non threatening environment, (ehem, like a restaurant), and they meet live. I just did a quick search in Omaha Nebraska and found two, better than nothing! And the social site http://www.meetup.com also has many offerings for people of similar interests wanting to meet up. Bigger cities have more options. I just did a quick search on kink in Idabel, OK and nothing came up, but the good news is you can create your own. Afraid of being outed? Try putting in something less obvious like sexuality or sexual education or even alternative relationships. Who knows what might happen! 

Consult a professional. In my work, I’ve had many clients come to me discouraged around finding a partner with whom they can be open sexually, and in working with me, they have eventually made their fantasies reality! See http://bondassage.com/fairy-tales-can-come-true-by-eve-minax/  for more on that. Kinky dating does not have to be a struggle. I can help you from the start of the process (online dating to meet ups to partnering and how to discuss and make play happen in relationship) through other intricacies like polyamory, children, etc. I also have a vast array of colleagues I can refer you to. Check out my website http://www.eveminax.com or http://www.eveminax.com or google in your area for an amazing professional who is willing, able, and skillful at helping you find a kinky partner. 

I’d say Good Luck! but you won’t need it if you do the right thing in making it all happen. how about Happy Hunting?

xoEve

Talking About Your Desires With Your Partner: How?

One of the most frequent topics I have with people is HOW to talk about their sexual desires, especially “kinky” ones with their partners. It’s never easy to whisk away the potential shame or embarrassment that can come with outing one’s bents, but it is always a way of getting to know each other better, find out more about your compatibility and what interests you. I didn’t get a chance to mention talking about fantasies here, (tip: while in bed, gently setting the scene verbally while masturbating your partner, or perhaps while discussing a book or a movie are other ways of bringing up your kinks), but I did have a great conversation with Charlotte from The Pleasure Mechanics about the value of clear communication.

I will offer more tips and techniques in a future post, but watch now to hear about why it’s important and how to go about it:

Talking About Desire

safewords and consent in BDSM

Oops, I Forgot My Safeword!

In the realm of BDSM and kink play, safe, sane and consensual rests as the buzz phrase to encourage newcomers to join (we’re safe!), illicit normalcy (we’re not crazy!), and utilize tactics to insure we’re all in this together (we all agreed it was ok … right?).

Let’s look at our phrase a little more closely. Safe: I will never hurt you physically or mentally. Sane: I’m not certifiable, I promise! Consensual: I will only do to you what we have previously agreed upon or what I know you like.

Sounds easy, right? Not so fast … how does one maintain a long term status of being “safe, sane, and consensual”? Well, mostly through referrals based on their humanity and appropriate observance of safe words.  “Safe words” are often used to confirm “consensuality” but they are also often used as tactics in a covert war of passive aggressivity. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE safewords. Safewords used well are great indicators of limits that can tell you in a moment without dropping scene where your bottom is at. And as a top, you can ease off, toy with that limit for a bit, or push it, depending on the bottom and their psychological and physical state.

safewords and consent in BDSM

Awesome, you say, let’s run out and do a gang rape scene with a safe word – careful there. Many people have little emotional land mines of psychic waste that may emerge only in scene. Something may come up for them or for you that you never expected. More often than not, in play, psychic waste can be triggered by the simplest of phrases, (I know a woman who cannot be called “baby” in scene), causing the triggered person to become overwhelmed and often distressed to the point that only years of therapy can help.

Noticing when you are pushing your bottom to the point of their safe word, even if they do not call it requires being present and fully observant of your bottom, because guess what? Due to stoicism, ignorance, (thinking you want them to “take it’), or endorphins flying so high they don’t feel the over extension of their boundaries, they will not always use their safe word and oh yes, someone will probably get hurt.

Does this mean “playing” (what a fun term), is better off when done “safely”… ok honey, I will just pat your ass and call you kitten … No. Playing will always push someone’s boundaries at some point. Talking/negotiating is paramount, whether it’s for 10 mins or an hour, start somewhere and establish a safe word.  Compassion comes in handy for both the top and the bottom to forgive any unintentional misdeeds. You must be able to forgive yourself and forgive the other. And finally, are you committed to continuing the play? Be honest.

But first a word from our sponsor … I have a gazilion years of experience and I still fuck up. Yes, once in a blue moon or every 14 years I fuck up. I recently had a little mishap where I called a player out on a rape fantasy. Too real. He lost his trust in me in the moment and called his safe word. No worries, we resolved the scene and scheduled another time to play.

We are special people (the naked horned beast’s), chosen ones. We know what it’s like to be abused and therefore we abuse no one. My personal favorites are the ones who know the fine line. I like to take and kidnap them through seduction or coersion, it doesn’t matter …

Clothes off, wallet or purse locked tight in a safe or better yet, thrown away … all their own doing … they are mine to do with what I will. I like towering over my helpless “victim” tightly bound in bondage and squirming beneath me, afraid and defiant simultaneously. We know it’s a game and yet it seems so real. They are naked, exposed, and completely vulnerable to my vast array of whims. What will it be today? Shall I beat them with a sjambock until they beg for mercy? Shall I take them over my spanking horse, tightly bound, administer a hot soapy enema and rape their ass repeatedly, or perhaps I will apply electricals to their genitalia and watch them scream and squirm, wanting more and yet absolutely terrified at how far I can go, we can go together.

People are afraid of themselves at the end of the day.

Finally, I say, I can do all three, I can do whatever I want because, 1. We have a safe word or 2. We have no safeword.

My most recent “no safe word” subject and I have been playing for years. In fact, he is featured in some of my most masochistic videos. I have even been asked on numerous occasions how much negotiating was done prior to our play. None, I respond, his only limits are bodily fluids, which make me often taunt him with them anyhow  😉 

Ultimately, the safe word will not matter, because I have been cognizant of their psychic and physical space and I know what I’m doing – and so will you if you pay attention.

Bottom line:  live and learn, live and learn.

Addendum: Look up RACK (or Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or read this wonderful piece on Consent by Flaming June.